If the terrorists really wanted to destroy America -- and if (a big if) they had brains -- instead of targeting innocent people and iconic edifices, they would instead target the programming on American TV.
Yes, television. Americans live by several internal clocks, one that gets them up early each morning, one that pushes them to over eat high cholesterol fatty and unhealthy foods, and, most importantly, one that works on the bigger seasonal picture called the Fall TV programming.
Yes, Americans look forward to the Fall TV season. What else do we have to do with our lives in this country of excessive freedoms that are spoken about but not always available, and, well, excesses in general. We have too much of everything, including most recently, growing poverty. But we deal with the poverty the way we deal with all ailments and social problems, with even more apathy. We just look away. (Americans are taught at an early age, don't look in the eyes of the poor and you won't feel guilty about their suffering, or that you are spending hundreds of dollars are junk food while the poor have nothing.)
Our Fall TV season lineup begins in September, which happens to be a favorite month for terroristic actions. The terrorists have no brains and work by redundancy fueled by hatred. September is the month of the world's greatest terrorist attack against America and that's how it is going to be for a long time, a new religious holiday for the extremists that they can use to focus their energies. It's perfect.
The Fall TV lineup, even if it is cluttered with episodes that will either go nowhere and disappear or will waste all of our brain cells on mindless eye candy entertainment, is the target they should focus on.
I know what it's like to get hit in the heart of the American spirit. I've been hammered by the worst domestic terrorist I know, ComEd, the electric company. ComEd blackouts strike when they are least expected and most not wanted. Usually when I am at home, finally comfortably settled in my couch and ready to watch TV. And the electricity goes out. For hours.
I sit there for a while hoping it is just a bump, but it doesn't come back on right away. ComEd terrorist attacks are happening more and more frequently. (Hey, don't yell at me for minimizing the importance of the proper application of the word "terrorism" or "terrorist." We have already diluted it's meaning into meaninglessness. Is that a word? What's the difference when words have no meaning any more anyway?)
I'm already getting angry thinking about the last time the electricity failed and I couldn't watch TV. This is America, buddy. Land of the Free. Home of the Brave. And prime time schedule of mindless TV entertainment. The Book Tube -- and there is nothing sexual about that in a substantive way. Just theoretically speaking, of course.
Yes, disrupt the TV watching habits of Americans and you will have struck at the heart of all that is the true America. We love our TV. We love our TV programs. We especially love sitcoms, or situation comedies, as we are constantly told over and over and over again. Mindlessnesly. (Is that a word?) And you take that expectation away from us or disrupt the ability to watch TV and you have struck a blow to the heart of our American lives.
Now, nevermind that this season's lineup of new programming looks like it really sucks. Sucking is a relative thing. You can have 30 shows that all suck and there is still a ranking of which suck more and which suck less. The fact that none of them are good is not important. It's all about which pathetically wasteful time consuming TV show is better than the other pathetically wasteful time consuming TV show. We'll watch the "best" of whatever."
Maybe that should be our new slogan. "The Best of Whatever." That covers everything.
I've seen a billion commercials for "Whitney," the TV sitcom about a young stupid no-brain woman who is brutal to her boyfriend-husband or whatever, and supposedly reflects the real lifestyles of modernday Americans. She doesn't. But that doesn't matter. She's a flake and flakes are funny. And if you can get an American to smile, you have locked in their wallet.
I really LOVED Charley Sheehan in "Two and a Half Men." The show was okay but it was the perfect environment for Sheehan's endless comedic talents. The guy is just funny even when he doesn't try to be funny. But he got greedy and the bosses at CBS didn't like that one bit so they slammed him out and replaced him with another anyone -- Ashton Kutcher. Ashton is a nice guy. A good actor. He's married to Demi Moore and i think he's even friends with Moore's ex-husband, Hollywood's Bruce Willis. (Moore is phenomenal, of course. She was born in Roswell, New Mexico which means there is a good chance her parents were aliens or aliens implanted their seed somewhere. Whatever.)
I'll watch it -- and be very angry if the terrorists somehow disrupt that premier because even if it stinks, the Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men series will be fun to watch just to compare it to the Sheehan version of the same show. Why wouldn't I watch it? The "Best of Whatever" principle applies here, too.
There's more. There is the TV series about the woman cop who gets beat up and has blackeyes on her face. It's her job. I don't know. Chelsea Lately, who is always good for the interruptus of the coitus of the mind, is moving to a better time slot. I think. Although I haven't watched her in a long time. She's a lot like subscribing to SiriusXM Radio just to listen to Howard Stern and the Spice Channel. Not having Stern on your car because you don't want to pay the extra $10 a month makes you think that there is something more to be had since SiriusXM with the regular channels totally sucks eggs. Seriously. It's just a rebroadcast of everything youa re already paying for on Comcast Cable TV now. CNN. HLB. Blah, Blah Blah> And The Spice Channel, which is supposed to be all about total sex talk, spends more time as an advertisement for the Mustang Ranch and porno Stars who are better seen performing and not talking.
Which gets me back to the topic. We have nothing to look forward to except for the "Best of Whatever." And you take that away from us and we will go berserk, and seriously mourn and be unhappy.
But, of course, the terrorists are too stupid to figure that out. First of all, you can't be smart to be a terrorist and especially a suicide bomber. They're idiots. The sooner they leave the better, with the least damage to our society. Bye bye morons. Terrorists are like most criminals who do stupid things not because they think them out but because they let their anger drive their actions. It's never done right and they get caught because no intelligent person would do what they would do. Most terrorists can't speak English well enough to understand the sophisticated vernacular of the typical TV sitcom performer, so they have no idea what is or isn't important on TV. It's all vanilla to them and if it isn't an extract, they don't like vanilla at all.
Anyway, enjoy the new TV season. As "best as you can. Whatever!"
-- Ray Hanania