I used to worry about my front lawn, now it's Facebook

I used to fret at night on weekends worried that my neighbor would violate the one thing a true homeowner covets: his lawn. In the masculine. Because at the heart of every man's world, is the well manicured lawn.

Lawns have distinct borders, even if you can't always see them. But they are there. And I was consumed with the fear that my neighbor's lawn mower would cross over onto my space on my lawn. Shovel or snowplow my driveway and sidwalk fine, but don't mow my lawn.

I had nightmares about it. These days, the only "my space" I worry about is my faceBook Account.

Yesterday, I had 1097 "friends." Today, I have 1096.

Do you think I am thinking about the 1097 people who love me? No. I'm a man. We don't take directions from our wives on how to drive. We don't let our neighbors run their lawnmowers on our lawns without a written authorization. And we don't think about friends.

We wonder, who did I lose? Who was that person that "dropped" me like a bad penny? Who was it that was so offended by me they couldn't be my "friend" any more on Facebook?

Now, Facebook calls all these strangers who come knocking on my Cyber door and ask to be let in "friends." But most are not friends at all. Many love to read my columns. Others are FBI agents who discovered its easier to track me (an Arab American in the post Sept. 11th World) far easier than through airports. And some are colleagues in journalism, who, like me, use Facebook not to meet naked women, but to instead self-promote our columns, scoops, exclusives and headlines.

Was "Friend 1097" an employee of the IRS? Could "Friend 1097" be someone who didn't like my writing? Was "Friend 1097" an English teacher who has had it with my sloppy grammar?

Fretting over "Friend 1097" doesn't just happen on the summer weekends when lawns were normally mowed. It's constant. Never ending. I'm a journalist. I don't like to "not know." Especially when it is about me. It's okay to "not know" when it is about someone else, like Gov. Rod Blagojevich or talk show screamer Sean Hannity. "Knowing" in journalism terms is the center of the ink well. But "knowing" on Facebook is the abyss itself.

My editor told me once writing a column might win some awards (and has), but it won't win me many friends. If I wanted friends, go get a dog. I did get a dog. And every time I open the front door, the dog tries to run away. That's friendship? And the Maltese doesn't even have an email account. How are we going to communicate? I don't know.

So this is to "Friend 1097."

You left me. Like a "Dear John" in freshman year. Not a word. Not a warning. Not a care.

Oops. Oh my gosh. I now have 1098 friends. Up two. Yeah baby. I'm rocking.

-- Ray Hanania
http://www.radiochicagoland.com/

Orland Park on Facebook ...

Orland Park has a "Group" on facebook with 1,259 members ... (Facebook used to be a college networking site but now is one of the most important online networking tools a person can have -- far better than MySpace) ...

And the group description includes this very funny monologue ... "You know you're from Orland Park if ..."

You know you are from Orland Park if....

1. It takes 30 minutes to get from one stop light to the next.
2. Graduated from a high school that was remodeled and looks like something out of a SciFi movie.
3. The only thing you can do is shop or eat food.
4. There is a Starbucks, a bank, or Walgreens on literally every corner.
5. You know Walmart is in Orland Hills, not Orland Park.
6. You know how to use Ravinia Ave.
7. Farms turn into neighborhoods over night.
8. When not in Orland, you refer to it as "the O.P."
9. You can see a water tower from anywhere.
10. You ALWAYS see the homeless guy with a basketball in the Mall
12. You know which Intersections at the mall have a stop sign, and which ones don't
13. You have been exposed to asbestos- that is if you are class of 2005 or before.
14. You have NO idea who 3/4 of your graduating class is 15. You remember when Century was a new school and just built.
16. You know that going out of your way to go around Lagrange is worth it
17. You know that if your looking for a new car 159th is the place to be
18. You know the little german kid.
19. you know what people mean when they say to go to the "dead mall"
20. you bought cigarettes from papu at shop mart when you were 16

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