Leno shift creates discord between husbands and wives across America

Moving Jay Leno has upset the delicate balance between husbands and wives
By Ray Hanania

Jay Leno didn't just move from his 10:30 slot (Central) to the 9 PM slot. His move is challenging husband-wife spats over who dominates the TV remote control all across America's heartland.

Leno's time shift has caused a seismic "disruption in the force" at the Hanania household.

Like most husbands and wives in America, my wife and I have an understanding. It's very simple, really, and it keeps everything copacetic. It's a balance. I think all real American couples do this.

My wife controls the TV remote when I am not home. I control it when I am home. When we are both about to go to bed, we have an agreement. I "own" the TV remote control when it comes to the big movies, specials, President Obama's speeches and the news. My wife controls the remote when it comes to late night entertainment.

I'm not sure how that fine print got past me, but it did. We just don't talk about it. For years. Until now. For as far back as I can remember in my marriage, my wife has been taking control of the TV remote at 10:30 so "we" can watch Jay Leno. I happen to prefer the curmudgeon and not so funny David Letterman. She prefers the very funny Leno. It's a macho thing. Actually, I love Leno but I can't concede that publicly in front of my wife, though she does her me chuckle when he hits comic homeruns, like every Monday during his hilarious "News Headlines" -- as a journalist, I love to see the malapropisms in published "speak."

So last night, things were tough. It was very uncomfortable. It isn't just a one hour change. I can't pretend it's Daylight Savings Time or anything. It's a 90 minute change. Leno moved from 10:30 Chicago time to 9 PM. And that is 90 minutes shaved off from my power.

Now I watched Leno last night. Fortunately, it was a Monday and News Headlines was one of his segments -- although I wish the producers would stop telling Leno "one more" when he has three more headlines to share. His staff did all the work sorting through submissions sent in from across America, so why not show ALL of the funny awkward headlines?

My main question is, Why? Why did Leno shift? Why did he move his show -- what was the real difference? Doesn't he or NBC -- or General Electric -- even care about the people of America and our needs?

I sat through the whole first broadcast. Jerry Seinfeld is funny. I watch his re-runs religiously and ethnically, too, since I am an Arab comedian and so is he -- his mother is Syrian Arab and Jewish which, in my holy book, makes him an Arab. At least, half.

But did we have to have Oprah open with the comic skit? Oprah is everywhere. She's running Chicago, didn't you know? Oprah has more power and popularity in Chicago than Mayor Richard M. Daley who 20 years into his dynasty still can't overcome his lifelong difficulty with the English language. Daley's not even as entertaining as his father, Richard J. Daley, whose speech impediments churned out some of the most memorable malapropisms in American history: "He's a man of great statue" and "The policeman isn't here to create disorder, he's here to preserve dis order" (dis in the second instance is Chicagoese for "this".)

Did Leno have to pander to Oprah too? I'm tired of Oprah. Oprah "made" President Obama the way Richard J. Daley made JFK. Oprah is going to win the 2016 Olympics for Chicago leading the delegation to Copenhagen Oct. 2 with the president's wife, Michelle. Why don't they just make Oprah Mayor of Chicago and get it over with?

But back to Leno. Leno had Kanye West scheduled before Kanye opened his big mouth and embarrassed himself again. And, to Kanye's credit, he honored the appearance. (Could be his last one, though.) Kanye embarrassed himself and the world when he grabbed the mike from that 17 year old "child" Taylor Swift when she won the Best Female Video Award. Trying to score points with Beyonce and the world, Kanye started going off on Swift's moment of stardom about how Beyonce was the best, blah, blah blah. It almost made me feel sorry for former President George W. Bush, whom Kanye attacked in 2005 after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans. Kanye, with Mike Meyers at his side at a live NBC broadcast fundraiser for Katrina victims blurted out "George Bush doesn't care about Black people."

But here's where Letterman and Leno differ. Leno had Kanye on the ropes and asked him a tough question. But not tough enough to make Kanye cry when he asked him how his mother, who recently died, would have reacted to his shameful public display. But Kanye didn't cry, although he paused to make it look like he was tearing inside. Letterman would have had Kanye tearing a waterfall all over the TV set. And I would have loved to have seen that, controlling the TV remote and replaying on my instant DVR replay. Over and over and over again.

And I'm not even a Republican.

No, for all the pre-publicity, the Jay Leno Show is still the same Jay Leno Show. It just has a different name. And he sits on a coach, sometimes, like my favorite latenight talkshow host, Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately). Chelsea would have put Kanye in a headlock giving him an ass whoopin'.

What does this all mean for society as we go forward in this unexplored world of non-late night late night TV?

Oh, honey. what did you say? You want to use my ... laptop?

end

I used to worry about my front lawn, now it's Facebook

I used to fret at night on weekends worried that my neighbor would violate the one thing a true homeowner covets: his lawn. In the masculine. Because at the heart of every man's world, is the well manicured lawn.

Lawns have distinct borders, even if you can't always see them. But they are there. And I was consumed with the fear that my neighbor's lawn mower would cross over onto my space on my lawn. Shovel or snowplow my driveway and sidwalk fine, but don't mow my lawn.

I had nightmares about it. These days, the only "my space" I worry about is my faceBook Account.

Yesterday, I had 1097 "friends." Today, I have 1096.

Do you think I am thinking about the 1097 people who love me? No. I'm a man. We don't take directions from our wives on how to drive. We don't let our neighbors run their lawnmowers on our lawns without a written authorization. And we don't think about friends.

We wonder, who did I lose? Who was that person that "dropped" me like a bad penny? Who was it that was so offended by me they couldn't be my "friend" any more on Facebook?

Now, Facebook calls all these strangers who come knocking on my Cyber door and ask to be let in "friends." But most are not friends at all. Many love to read my columns. Others are FBI agents who discovered its easier to track me (an Arab American in the post Sept. 11th World) far easier than through airports. And some are colleagues in journalism, who, like me, use Facebook not to meet naked women, but to instead self-promote our columns, scoops, exclusives and headlines.

Was "Friend 1097" an employee of the IRS? Could "Friend 1097" be someone who didn't like my writing? Was "Friend 1097" an English teacher who has had it with my sloppy grammar?

Fretting over "Friend 1097" doesn't just happen on the summer weekends when lawns were normally mowed. It's constant. Never ending. I'm a journalist. I don't like to "not know." Especially when it is about me. It's okay to "not know" when it is about someone else, like Gov. Rod Blagojevich or talk show screamer Sean Hannity. "Knowing" in journalism terms is the center of the ink well. But "knowing" on Facebook is the abyss itself.

My editor told me once writing a column might win some awards (and has), but it won't win me many friends. If I wanted friends, go get a dog. I did get a dog. And every time I open the front door, the dog tries to run away. That's friendship? And the Maltese doesn't even have an email account. How are we going to communicate? I don't know.

So this is to "Friend 1097."

You left me. Like a "Dear John" in freshman year. Not a word. Not a warning. Not a care.

Oops. Oh my gosh. I now have 1098 friends. Up two. Yeah baby. I'm rocking.

-- Ray Hanania
http://www.radiochicagoland.com/

BREAKING NEWS: Orland Park swimmers flee pool in squeamish panic

BREAKING NEWS: Orland Park swimmers flee pool in squeamish panic
By Ray Hanania

(Orland Park, Sunday June 1, 2008) – Swimmers enjoying the first real summer-like Sunday rushed out of the waters of Orland Park’s Centennial pool in a panic Sunday after what appeared to be an attack of “Baby Ruths.”

No injuries were reported, but the Orland Park pool was evacuated immediately.

Witnesses said that around 4:48 PM, as the Ed and Patsy Bruce Country music favorite “Mama Don’t Let Your Children Grow up to be Cowboys” was playing on the pool intercom system, a swimmer saw the shadow of the frightening image floating around in the “children’s section.”

Orland Park lifeguards acted quickly and ordered swimmers to flee the pool as other lifeguards braving the shocked gasps of nearby swimmers, cordoned off the section of water with chaise lounge chairs.

One witness said she was in shock. “This doesn’t happen in our neighborhood? My gosh!”
Another witness told this reporter, “Why do they have to call them Baby Ruths? I like Baby Ruths. Why can’t they call them Clark Bars? I don’t like Clark Bars.”

In fact, many witnesses stared at the cordoned off section of the pool in disbelief. “I’ve been through many evacuations at the pool. A lightening warning. They have a light for that. Thunder storm warnings. They use the same light. We’ve never had a Hurricane or Cyclone alert. Why no special alarm for Baby Ruth sightings?”

The pool was immediately evacuated of all its swimmers and closed for the remainder of the evening. “Baby Ruth” counselors were reportedly called in and made available to any families who might have suffered shock. It was even rumored that pamphlets were distributed that listed Comcast Cable TV showings of Harold Ramis’ 1980 movie “Caddyshack” as a part of the post-traumatic shock information campaign.

People who looked like pool officials said, “Baby Ruth attacks happen occasionally. This is the first one this season.”

According to other sources, “Baby Ruth” attacks happen quite often.

“I remember back in 2000 odd 2, we had a string of attacks,” one elderly swimmer with his swimsuit drooping down his backside remarked.

Health officials say pool operators have only one choice when a “BR” attack occurs: “Close the pool, period!”

No one was available from Orland Township to provide health guidance.

The Orland Park Centennial pool combines the baby swimming area with the adult swimming area in a “zero depth” setting. It was expected to be cleaned, sanitized and refilled with fresh water and readied for re-opening Monday morning.

In other news, the pool raised its fee for non-residents and non-season pass holders to $12 per day. Residents without a season pass pay $6 per day or $3 after 5 PM.

end

Moved my books from CafePress.com to Lulu.com

For a long time, CafePress.com was a great place for independent authors to publish but recently, the web site has been showing some disturbing trends that seem to be based on racism, targeting Arab and Muslim Americans. For the past four months, all of my books have been in limbo, and unable to be updated. They kept insisting that it was a "bug" but after three months, it was clear the only bug was the bug up their asses about my book topics.

So, I have closed the CafePress.com shops and am migrating to a new site called Lulu.com. Lulu is more sophisticated but charges more than CafePress.com. And I am sorry that part of the increase in costs have to be passed along to buyers of my books. Still, because of the discrimination that exists in the New York Book Publishing industry against Arabs and Muslims, I've had to turn to the more effective online print-on-demand publishing system.

The new Lulu books will be available through Borders, Amazon and more. The links have been updated to reflect the new purchases resources. You can purchase my most popular books: I'm Glad I Look Like a Terrorist: Growing Up Arab in America, my memoir on the humorous and serious side of ethnicity in America, the popular Arab American Media & Leadership Directory for 2008 which is the only resource offering detailed contact information for Arab American and Muslim American news media, activists, organizations, web news sites, TV and radio, and of course the very successful Arabs of Chicagoland from Arcadia Publishing can be purchased directly from Arcadia Publishing or from any major book store.

Thanks for your patience as I make this transition for the six other remaining books.

-- Ray Hanania